This is irritating.
This is irritating.
Well I decided to spice things up and throw out my latest rambling nonsense. It isn’t a poem, my poems are on my other tumblr: rasa2013.tumblr.com
If you actually read all of this (and if you do, I’ll marry you, man-woman-both-other-beast doesn’t matter, because who the fuck else is going to put up with me? lmao), you are crazy =]
Location: Mission Bay, approximately 5pm
A hammer strikes the iron
And echoes in my mind.
My only desire is to leave them both behind.
But when the two collide,
They shatter my soul,
And their resonating pain takes its toll.
I remember the times I used to fly high
And I’m wondering if all those moments were childish lies.
Sorrow in my soul, the crack in the iron
Walls broken down, guns of man firing.
Then one day I saw a simple truth of living:
The one that falls the farthest
Is the one that keeps on giving.
Another hammer hits the iron,
Another echo resonates within my mind.
Why must suffering be so easy for to me find?
Whatever is the truth,
And though it may be my destruction,
I’m going to live and give
And I’ll deal with the repercussions.
The only love I know,
The only truth I have inside me,
I have to carry it on and be
Everything everyone wants.
I can’t give up.
I can’t give up.
Lol, I totally overloaded myself. I’m going to have take this a lot slower from now on. My memory from waking up to like 3pm is deleted. And everything after that is not pleasant -_- Apparently I overestimated my emotional detachment.
Yikes -_- I’m getting tired of writing up the poems all about the same damn thing. I guess I’ll have to take a break. Oh well, I made it like halfway through one notebook.
I’m not typing everything up. A lot of it is just little fragments and broken thoughts, so I skip a lot.
Can’t wait to burn it all!
The soft breeze on a cloudless day,
The water lapping at Mission Bay.
The trees sway lazily, always tall and happy.
The birds scatter off into the distance where I’d like to be.
Another sound off in the corner, another friendly voice,
The shadow asks me a question, I reply
“It’s always been my choice.”
But why? Why suffer for them to live?
Can you not see it’s self-destructive?
“Of course, I’m not blind. I feel it constantly,
The battle, the war waged inside me, terrible to see.
But for them, I live my life. Nothing wrong with that.
Somebody has to care.
Might as well be, someone who loves.”
But in the end you’ll die, you’ll suffer,
You’ll always be alone, is that the way you want life to be?
“I understand the misery and the choice,
The pain that grows. But that’s just the way it is,
And one day you will see how it turned out in the end.
But as long as I am alive, as long as I can feel,
I’ll be there to help them through, be there to help them heal
And although it may lead me to ruin, it’s just who I am.
It’s the person that’s inside me.
So when I hear my name being called, I will come.
I will save those I can. This is my choice, not mere destiny.”
Commentary: I guess I got what I wanted “I ask that you forget the memory of me.” I forgot.
——
And so I go on wandering
Past the greatest height
Below the deepest depth
And through the mountain pass.
But I’ll always be alone.
Always be betrayed.
But for another reason
I’ll never be afraid.
When I lay into my grave
And you have a choice to save
The memory of me
And everything I gave,
I ask that you forget
The person, the thing
That was never meant to be.
I am a soft, weak, stupid little bitch. Fuck me, who cares.
Commentary: writing all these depressing things down is sort of wearing me down -_- but I have to get through this so I can burn these damn notebooks.
Ah, this is around the time I never talked about my feelings, btw. So there’s a lot of references to never letting people see things I wrote or how I felt.
——-
I know how it is.
I know how it ends.
I’ve seen it in my mind.
I’ll search on for a lifetime
Looking for a peace
That I can never find.
It’s just how it is
With people like me.
I’ve seen the end,
I know how it’s gonna be.
But I guess that
I can live with my destiny.
Even though I know
I’ll always be alone.
With a raincloud overhead
And no one to confide,
Sitting on a park bench
With no one by my side,
Staring at the ground,
A flower out of place.
Nobody else around,
But touched by beauty’s grace.
I sigh in silence.
Who can hear me?
I cry in quiet,
Nobody can see.
So long ago and back again,
These feelings of inadequacy.
But silence of the word
Has always been my policy.
Why trouble them with whining?
Why menace them with my pain?
No, I’ll keep my silence
As I watch the falling rain.
Why do I suffer?
The pain inside my soul.
Why can’t I fill
The gaping hole?
Answers are hard to come by
As I talk to nobody, to air.
But I can’t help but think
Nobody really cares.
But whatever, life goes on.
I breathe, I eat, I sleep.
Then again, once more,
The feeling comes and creeps.
